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Selfishness
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Selfishness Was having a discussion with a friend about selfishness so did some research on it and this is what I found and it my opinion. Selfishness is a big issue these days. When someone you have to deal with regularly is consistently self-involved and self-centered, they can make your life miserable. And of course, there is always the other side of the coin–what do you do when you’re accused of being selfish, especially when you know that you’re guilty as charged? First, let’s define the term: The two defining characteristics of selfishness are: Being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; Having no regard for the needs or feelings of others. If someone is both totally self-involved and uncaring about anyone else, they are not likely to be very responsive to you in any way other than evaluating how you meet their needs. I actually think this definition itself can help you deal with the selfish people in your life. 1. Understand where they are coming from. Before you write this off, let me explain: Understanding doesn’t mean letting someone off the hook. But if you can get behind the behavior and discover what’s motivating it, you'll have a better chance of responding in a way that might make it less powerful. We often make assumptions about what motivates people, for better and for worse, but those assumptions are often totally off base. So what was to be done? 2. Don’t take it personally. I say this to people probably far more often than any of them want to hear. But it’s a major tool for coping with many different behaviors coming from other people: Just because someone says you are being selfish, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong. What it probably means is that they want you to be doing something else–which might be right for them, but not necessarily right for you. 3. Don’t assume. As I just said, we often make assumptions that are incorrect or misleading. One really useful way to deal with someone’s accusation that you’re being selfish is to ask them what they mean—in a quiet and thoughtful voice. Can they explain how you’re being selfish? What would they like you to do differently? If you can’t do that—and there are plenty of good reasons you might not be able to—you can also try to ask yourself those questions. For example, there seems to be a common cultural consensus that having a is a selfless activity, and that not having is selfish. But is that really true? Almost everyone I know who has ever started a family—myself included!—has done it for selfish reasons. They want to be loved or to be loving (and, oh yes, that’s selfish, too); to please a parent or bond more closely with a partner or spouse; to be part of a family unit—the list goes on, but you get my drift. There’s nothing wrong with these selfish reasons. It’s just important not to assume that they’re really unselfish. In fact, if we could honestly accept that we have for selfish reasons, a lot of parents might be less distressed when these needs aren’t met. I have talked to some people about this subject. The fear many of my people share, the fear that we’re the selfish (or “bad”) person. This leads to the final tip. . . 4. Remember that a certain amount of selfishness is healthy. Healthy selfishness not only reminds us to take care of ourselves; it makes it possible for us to take care of others. Even selfless caring and generosity is not really selfless. If it makes you feel good to do something for someone else, then it’s still somewhat selfish, isn’t it? But that doesn’t make it bad! Why is it important to know what is selfishness and what is not? The reason is that selfishness is a fundamental principle - whom are you a live for - for yourself or for others, and what does it even mean to live for yourself? The answer to these questions can determine the course of your life, the kind of actions you take and the emotional reward you ultimately receive from your life. Secondly, selfishness is an ethical issue. If one misidentifies what selfishness is, one can experience unearned guilt or live a life which is not as good as one could have. The common notion of selfishness is that of a person who lacks any concern for the values of others, someone who does not value other people, does not value fairness, justice, or does not see the need to return a value for a value. It is someone who always wants to get "favors" but at the same time cannot see why anyone would bother them asking for something in return. They can think of no good reason why they should not be served by others, for no benefit to those others whatsoever. Someone who exploits others at the blink of an eye and can care for nothing but their own ends. This view of 'selfishnes' is lamped together with any kind of behavior that puts one's own pleasure before the pleasure of others, creating a devastating "package deal". The person who kills and steals and the person who produces and earns are considered as having the same moral quality, since they both do it to promote their own ends. Is it any wonder, then, that people condemn selfishness - and is it any wonder that so many people feel guilty for any kind of happiness or enjoyment they pursue for themselves, not for others? The fault here is in the basic understanding of what selfishness is, and in replacing "lack of value for human life" with "selfishness". It redeemed morality, it created the basis on which people could be happy. It identified a concept which allows men to experience a moral sense of life, to be the hero of their own movie and at the same time pursue their own life and happiness. It allowed men to stand proud beside their achievements instead of apologizing for them - it allowed men to have self-esteem and to regard themselves as worthy of pleasure. So let us start with basic questions and get deeper into the concept of "selfishness" to get a clear understanding of what it IS. A selfish man is one who acts for his own sake - one whose actions are directed to benefit oneself. I would quickly summarize it by: "I am doing this for me". This, however, is not as simple as it sounds. What constitutes doing something "for yourself"? Is it gratification of emotions, regardless of their source? Is it pursuit of some ends, regardless of their nature? Is a man driven by chronic anxiety, trying to destroy other people's happiness a "selfish bastard"? The answer is not as simple as it first appears to be. To understand what it means to "do something for yourself" we need to know what constitutes an objective benefit to someone. If one is to be the beneficiary of one's own actions, one must first know what constitutes "benefit". If one has no idea what is good for oneself, then one's actions cannot logically be selfish, since "I am doing this for me" is empty of meaning if one has no idea if that action is good for one or not. Many regard selfishness as acting for the gratification of one's emotions. There is some truth to that, but only given the right context. The only meaning life has, the only thing that makes life worthwhile, that rewards us for living - is pleasurable emotions, like love, happiness, pride and so on. The selfish man indeed then goes after these positive emotions and the gratification of other emotions. Putting anything else above the achievement of one's happiness is not selfish - because by the nature of our body and mind, the only benefit we have for anything in life is positive emotions. This is the key to what "selfishness" is. The ultimate benefit, by our nature, is pleasurable emotions. Pursuing the only thing which is, by our nature, rewarding, is therefore the essence of selfishness. This however, does not mean that "anything goes", that whatever emotions one happens to gratify are a selfish action. If a man feels chronic anxiety and jealousy and acts to gratify his need for destruction he is most definitely not selfish because he does not put his happiness as his highest goal. He rather lets whatever petty emotions and destructive premises he has take over his life, motivation and actions. He gives up on happiness entirely. He gives up self esteem. He gives up thinking and trying to decide what would be the best course of action. He replaces all of this with the ease of drifting on whatever emotions happen to come his way and the satisfaction and relief of jealousy and self-doubt. Selfishness, is actually demanding. Because happiness is demanding. Consider another example: someone who has adopted the idea of altruism as an ideal and feels a sense of satisfaction every time they sacrifice something for the sake of someone else. For example, they work for months saving up to buy something they want very much, and end up giving it to the of their friends who happen to come over for a visit, because he really wants it. They feel pain for the loss of the item, but a feeling of satisfaction from "doing the right thing". Is that a selfish action, since they acted to gain satisfaction? No, because to be selfish means to actually ACT on the principle of doing that which is the best for one's life. The emotion is nothing but an expression of a subconsciously accepted altruism. If one acts to satisfy it one surrenders fully to altruism, and most definitely does NOT act selfishly. Selfishness is not satisfaction of emotions regardless of their cause - selfishness is satisfying one's emotions which are validated to be "on the right track". So now how does one measure what "the right track" is? Is it just a matter of arbitrary opinion of what one "should do"? No. Recall that in essence selfishness is acting to achieve pleasurable emotions - the best possible to you. Not everything will achieve a feeling of happiness, not everything achieves self esteem, which is a requirement of happiness. It follows then that a selfish man follows, to the best of his knowledge, the principles which would lead to his happiness and that he does not surrender to any "temptation" that could endanger his happiness. Suppose one is blamed that one is bad for wanting to keep something one values all to oneself. One is told that one should share. One may, out of good faith in people, think that one may indeed be doing something wrong and one is facing a danger of losing friends or the appreciation of the people who bring up the accusation. Here one faces a decision: Will one bypass one's judgment and follow that of others - should one give up that value based on the judgment of others that it is the right thing to do, or should one act based on one's own conclusions? These two are not equal, not both are selfish. If one decides to take others on their word, one gives up one's judgment and replaces it with others'. Not only that, but one actually gives up one's material goods. the dominant feeling one can expect from such a choice is a sense of loss of control. If it is not one's mind leading one's decisions - whose mind is it? Can one feel secure sitting in a car driven by someone else? The second choice may be painful because it involves the loss of some people's approval - but one is making a selfish choice here, because acting based on one's own conclusions, not those of others, is a requirement of life and because one chooses to keep material values one has earned. In time one may discover what mistake those people made in demanding a sacrifice and cease to feel a sense of loss over their withdrawn approval. One's own approval of oneself must always be a primary and come before others' approval if one is to be happy. Whenever one acts on this principle, one is acting selfishly because one is putting one's happiness and mental health above all else. Or how about a case in which no other people are involved - just one man and his mind. One can be selfish or non-selfish even living completely alone. Suppose one day one experiences an emotion one considers to be a sign of someone lame of bad. It could be a feeling of helplessness, frustration, jealousy, fear and so on. One faces a choice here: To recognize the existence of the emotion, or to try to pretend as if the emotion never existed. No other people are involved in such a decision, yet only one path is selfish. Why? Because only one path puts one's happiness above all else. If one tries to pretend that one did not feel what one felt, one seals in the judgment of being bad, or not as good as one had expected. The judgment may be entirely unjustified or based on wrong premises, but if one never looks into it one can never rectify the situation. Choosing to run away from the situation may alleviate one's immediate fear, but it is not a selfish choice since it does not put one's happiness above all else. In fact running away is a choice that seals in self-doubt. Here is another common choice we face in life: To think or not to think? In any given situation one has the choice to use one's mind to seek the truth or to use one's mind in a different way. For example, on a desert island one can choose to put effort into thinking how to improve one's life, comfort and chances of survival and rescue or one can choose to let self pity take over, hide behind a rock and wait for death. In modern society one can choose to discover the truth in every subject or to try to escape any recognition of failure. To close one's eyes and try to pretend that bad things are not happening. The selfish choice here, again, is one that puts one's happiness and one's life above all else - the choice to think. Because only by thinking and having knowledge, correct knowledge, can one act in an efficient way that actually promotes one's goals and life. Choosing not to think may provide a temporary escape but the price is a sense of loss of control, lack of self esteem and ultimately losing material property as well (or never gaining it). The selfish is acting to achieve that which is good for you. We may make mistakes identifying it in specific situations, but so long as one holds the right principles and acts by them, one is selfish. The conventional view of selfishness is wrong. Those people who have no grasp of the value of other people have a psychological problem. The "give me give me give me" mentality and "how rude, you expect something back?" is not the psychology of a selfish person but rather of an unhappy individual who receives no authentic enjoyment from the things he or she have. Those who are capable of understanding the values of others (that something can be precious to someone else) are those who experience such value themselves toward the things they love. By equating this mentality with any desire to enjoy that which one has earned, one is sentencing oneself to a lifetime of guilt. By saying that "everyone is selfish" because they act to gratify their emotions, one ends up ignoring the fact that happiness has specific requirements and demands. "Selfishness" means to act by the principle by which your actions are directed to benefit you, to make you happy. It means that the principles by which you lead your life place nothing above your happiness. Being selfish is both demanding, moral and good for you. |
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All is vanity
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I think it depends if it is a moment of selfishness or a perpetual habit. The term self serving or even manipulative may be better. In the picture, substitute selfish for christian and the result is the same for a habitually selfish person. [image]
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